I felt like a jerk but I just had to get it out. I felt like your backup friend for the past three years and you know what I don't want that. If you're not going to treat me like a real friend then why should I? I know you feel sad but you did this to me before. I kept everything inside for the past 3 years. I never told you how I felt about our friendship except that one time in Freshman year about liking you and I hate myself for doing it. It was the biggest mistake of my life to even like you. You used to say we're so similar but we're not. Not a tiny bit. Not at all.
When I asked you if I would ever not be your backup friend in the future, you said you can't promise me that. Well then fuck you. I don't want a friend like you who's going to not appreciate me like my other friends do. You never did anything for me but I was always there for you when you needed me. You never told me anything about you and him and even told him to not tell me. I hate you for that. You said that I'm different and I come from a different background so you couldn't tell me things. Well friendships are supposed to be when you're able to talk to each other especially when it's that important. If that was the case, then why did you even think about calling me your "closest" friend. Fucking messed up because you know nothing about me and I know nothing about you. You said you're trying to get closer to me and that it's going to take a long time. Well fyi you're leaving after this quarter and who knows if we'll even see each other. How do you even expect to get close to me in the future?? I don't even know where I'll be in a year and you have no idea either.
I got my space and I didn't want to give you hope so I didn't say anything about contacting you first. I got everything out and I've never felt this relieved before. Good bye.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Back in Davis
Not much has happened. I feel like so much happened with friends while I was home. I knew about some stuff but not all of it. And today I heard about it all. It feels so good that I caught up on life of others; well at least my housemates and Dana and Dorothy.
I've missed you Hannah! We still have so much to talk about but it will happen soon when we're not so tired. We're sitting next to each other and talking to people on aim haha. This is one of the things I love doing; that I can be so comfortable with just sitting quietly next to her doing my own thing but still have that sense of security that yes she's here. That I have someone there with me even in my down, tiring or alone times.
I don't want anything more than family, friends and career. I don't want to get married if it's going to end up like the ones around me. I thought they were good but I guess I've grown up. I see what really happens and it pushes me away from relationships even more. Makes me lose trust. I don't want it and good thing is I don't have to worry about it right now. Please don't do anything to change that. I like the way how life is right now (well most of it at least).
Dana came over tonight! Omg I saw her after such a long time!! She talked about her study abroad and we looked at some of the pictures. I am so jealous!! I can't wait to catch up more with her =] It reminded me of India all over again. Over the weekend, my uncle called and wanted to talk to me but I couldn't bring up the courage to talk to him or the rest of the family. I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything and would probably get really emotional. I miss them so much! I need to be brave and just call them.
I've missed you Hannah! We still have so much to talk about but it will happen soon when we're not so tired. We're sitting next to each other and talking to people on aim haha. This is one of the things I love doing; that I can be so comfortable with just sitting quietly next to her doing my own thing but still have that sense of security that yes she's here. That I have someone there with me even in my down, tiring or alone times.
I don't want anything more than family, friends and career. I don't want to get married if it's going to end up like the ones around me. I thought they were good but I guess I've grown up. I see what really happens and it pushes me away from relationships even more. Makes me lose trust. I don't want it and good thing is I don't have to worry about it right now. Please don't do anything to change that. I like the way how life is right now (well most of it at least).
sigh
Dana came over tonight! Omg I saw her after such a long time!! She talked about her study abroad and we looked at some of the pictures. I am so jealous!! I can't wait to catch up more with her =] It reminded me of India all over again. Over the weekend, my uncle called and wanted to talk to me but I couldn't bring up the courage to talk to him or the rest of the family. I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything and would probably get really emotional. I miss them so much! I need to be brave and just call them.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Sigh
I failed at life once again..sigh.. :[
TIME TO DO BETTER!
Home has been kind of difficult. I'm sad I can't really do much when it comes to this. I really want to go back to Davis. Today seems a little better though :] Talking to m & h always makes me feel better. It helps me get away from home and what's going on here.
I think I'm going to ground myself to teach myself a lesson. I really need to! I don't know what yet but I am going to start being strict on myself when I get to Davis. Now time to think about what I'm going to change..
I gave up on the Indian drama. It was getting annoying and hecka slow. Gonna go look for an Asian drama now haha. I really wanna watch Boys before flowers again :]
TIME TO DO BETTER!
Home has been kind of difficult. I'm sad I can't really do much when it comes to this. I really want to go back to Davis. Today seems a little better though :] Talking to m & h always makes me feel better. It helps me get away from home and what's going on here.
I think I'm going to ground myself to teach myself a lesson. I really need to! I don't know what yet but I am going to start being strict on myself when I get to Davis. Now time to think about what I'm going to change..
I gave up on the Indian drama. It was getting annoying and hecka slow. Gonna go look for an Asian drama now haha. I really wanna watch Boys before flowers again :]
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Summer session
I'm finally done but I don't feel the sense of relief that I should be feeling..I don't know why.
During the first week of summer session, I was waiting for the bus to go home at the MU when an older lady came to me and asked about the bus schedule. She needed to take the A line and didn't know where it was and at what time. She started talking to me about her life and asked about my major and what classes I'm taking. She told me she's from Sacramento and teaches Spanish 1 and 2 at Sacramento State or city college during the school year but during the summer, she stays at her brother's house in Davis and teaches classes at UC Davis through Sac state or city. She talked about how she was so close to getting her Ph.D. in Spanish but because of family problems (getting divorced) she had to quit when all she needed to do was her dissertation. Because of just having a Master's, she couldn't be a professor, what she really wants to be. I could tell how passionate she was about Spanish and Spanish Literature. She could also speaks Italian! She mentioned that she was not originally a Spanish major when she was doing her undergraduate studies. She came across it during her third year of college and decided to continue with it, ultimately ending up in grad school. Even though she's not a professor at a university, she loves teaching Spanish 1 and 2 because she feels like she can make a big difference in her students' lives. They either don't know any Spanish or know just a little bit and either way she can be their role model and hopes to get them to want to continue with Spanish. She tries to teach them more than just grammar and words.
I told her how I really want to go to medical school but my grades are not that great. She encouraged me a lot and said that I shouldn't give up and that I'll get in somewhere. I just have to stick with it and not let anyone divert me from my goal. I also told her about how I wanted to minor in Spanish and took almost all of the lower division classes ( just haven't taken Spanish 24). She said that I should continue with it since it's good to know Spanish and that I would really like the upper division classes.
Hmm I'm thinking about it. If I stay a 5th year, maybe I'll minor in Spanish =D We'll see though haha.
:]
During the first week of summer session, I was waiting for the bus to go home at the MU when an older lady came to me and asked about the bus schedule. She needed to take the A line and didn't know where it was and at what time. She started talking to me about her life and asked about my major and what classes I'm taking. She told me she's from Sacramento and teaches Spanish 1 and 2 at Sacramento State or city college during the school year but during the summer, she stays at her brother's house in Davis and teaches classes at UC Davis through Sac state or city. She talked about how she was so close to getting her Ph.D. in Spanish but because of family problems (getting divorced) she had to quit when all she needed to do was her dissertation. Because of just having a Master's, she couldn't be a professor, what she really wants to be. I could tell how passionate she was about Spanish and Spanish Literature. She could also speaks Italian! She mentioned that she was not originally a Spanish major when she was doing her undergraduate studies. She came across it during her third year of college and decided to continue with it, ultimately ending up in grad school. Even though she's not a professor at a university, she loves teaching Spanish 1 and 2 because she feels like she can make a big difference in her students' lives. They either don't know any Spanish or know just a little bit and either way she can be their role model and hopes to get them to want to continue with Spanish. She tries to teach them more than just grammar and words.
I told her how I really want to go to medical school but my grades are not that great. She encouraged me a lot and said that I shouldn't give up and that I'll get in somewhere. I just have to stick with it and not let anyone divert me from my goal. I also told her about how I wanted to minor in Spanish and took almost all of the lower division classes ( just haven't taken Spanish 24). She said that I should continue with it since it's good to know Spanish and that I would really like the upper division classes.
Hmm I'm thinking about it. If I stay a 5th year, maybe I'll minor in Spanish =D We'll see though haha.
:]
Monday, September 07, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Saturday, September 05, 2009
India
I feel like I'm in India. I was looking through all the pics today and watching the indian drama. Whenever I watch the drama, I always imagine myself sitting with my cousin and aunts and watching it with them while my uncle is like -___- cuz we were so addicted to it.
The drama is ridiculous though. I think they spent like 2 weeks just getting them married, showing every little process that goes into a wedding. I feel like not much has happened in it because of that. In the past 3 weeks of the show, only about 3 days have past. If this goes on, it'll take them months to get 4 weeks in lol.
I wonder when I'll go to India again. I wish I could go right now! I always think about what my family is probably up to right now. It's 3:43am there right now so definitely sleeping. I remember having to wake up at this time and going to the temples (since it was a long ride, we would leave early). I can't believe on a normal day everyone would be up at 5:45am. I barely get out of bed at 9 here lol. -__- so lazy! Days also seemed really long there since we woke up so early.
I want to go back in the winter some time. I haven't experienced winter in India since I left India when I was 10.
I can't wait for My Name is Khan to come out!!!! Omg haven't seen Shahrukh and Kajol in the same movie for such a long time! <3 them both! as of right now there's only 2 posters of the movie out. ahhh they need to do these things faster!
The drama is ridiculous though. I think they spent like 2 weeks just getting them married, showing every little process that goes into a wedding. I feel like not much has happened in it because of that. In the past 3 weeks of the show, only about 3 days have past. If this goes on, it'll take them months to get 4 weeks in lol.
I wonder when I'll go to India again. I wish I could go right now! I always think about what my family is probably up to right now. It's 3:43am there right now so definitely sleeping. I remember having to wake up at this time and going to the temples (since it was a long ride, we would leave early). I can't believe on a normal day everyone would be up at 5:45am. I barely get out of bed at 9 here lol. -__- so lazy! Days also seemed really long there since we woke up so early.
I want to go back in the winter some time. I haven't experienced winter in India since I left India when I was 10.
I can't wait for My Name is Khan to come out!!!! Omg haven't seen Shahrukh and Kajol in the same movie for such a long time! <3 them both! as of right now there's only 2 posters of the movie out. ahhh they need to do these things faster!
:]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zudbz4hOcbc
Love this song!
This weekend has been so nice. Very relaxing :] Living with Michelle is a lot of fun. I wish she lived with me during the year too! Friday night, Hanyong came to hang out with us all the way from s. davis. So crazy! It was fun :] I miss group hang outs. Must have more now since he'll be moving closer to us.
Super addicted to sexy chick by david guetta ft. akon lol
This weekend has been all about wanting to dance. I've been listening to music this weekend that makes me want to dance! Hopefully I can tonight :]
Favorites:
sexy chick
when love takes over
obesessed
birthday sex
insomnia
get your freak on
whatcha say
she wolf
swing
u go girl
hotel room service
come on get higher
fire burnin on the floor
probably more that i can't think of.
Love this song!
This weekend has been so nice. Very relaxing :] Living with Michelle is a lot of fun. I wish she lived with me during the year too! Friday night, Hanyong came to hang out with us all the way from s. davis. So crazy! It was fun :] I miss group hang outs. Must have more now since he'll be moving closer to us.
Super addicted to sexy chick by david guetta ft. akon lol
This weekend has been all about wanting to dance. I've been listening to music this weekend that makes me want to dance! Hopefully I can tonight :]
Favorites:
sexy chick
when love takes over
obesessed
birthday sex
insomnia
get your freak on
whatcha say
she wolf
swing
u go girl
hotel room service
come on get higher
fire burnin on the floor
probably more that i can't think of.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
21..soon ish
OMG I seriously just want to be 21 right now. I don't even care about the drinking; I just want to go bar hopping with Michelle. I really want to go to Ketmoree cuz Michelle said she had a lot of fun there. Everyone around me is 21 already but ahh why not me?! But I'm almost there! 25 days :]
For the first time I actually remembered somewhat about what happened in my dream last night. Nothing interesting though. A lot of my friends, including people I don't even talk to anymore, and I went to my birthday dinner. Weird thing was that we had dinner at fountain circle pool. There was a huge round table and everyone sat around it. While talking and eating, almost everyone faded away. I couldn't see their faces in my dream but my close friends stood out so well. I felt like I was only having dinner with them.
<3
:]
For the first time I actually remembered somewhat about what happened in my dream last night. Nothing interesting though. A lot of my friends, including people I don't even talk to anymore, and I went to my birthday dinner. Weird thing was that we had dinner at fountain circle pool. There was a huge round table and everyone sat around it. While talking and eating, almost everyone faded away. I couldn't see their faces in my dream but my close friends stood out so well. I felt like I was only having dinner with them.
<3
:]
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)